Minute by Minute

And if i am weak only for that… God will forgive me..

Fucking Roads… i always loved them.. until those days… I should’ve drive 40 minutes only for a 5 minutes casting.. and again over and over like that… I should thank God maybe for that opportunity… of working in Shanghai.. but.. it was really fucking scary..  They’ve putted a guy with me in the same room.. and that wasn’t a problem for them… ok. for me it was… So i decided to leave that party house…

She told me i am weak and i just should get used with that… 

Why should i?  It’s not my last job, not my last year on this earth,, so… i don’t think i should get used with this kinda shit..

Only i know what i did for leaving… what i lived… and what i felt… In shanghai airport.. with those sunglasses and a cap on my head… it was like i am a killer or a criminal… Damn…

Now i am home… Trying to resist and to not leave now again… for any other job.. i need some rehab…maybe after the New Year i will leave… maybe sooner.. who knows… but be sure.. it won’t be shanghai any more…

Again Dilemmas, poems, smoking in the night… i miss some days… but i don’t think i still have power to turn time around and to live those days again..

Hell is not a place.. hell is a world..

Trust is like a mirror.. u can fix it if it’s broke.. but u can still see the crack in that motherfu**ing reflection..

This post is not about the trust.. truth.. or kind of..

I just love this phrase… and sometimes it makes me realise new things anytime i am thinking about it..

Well… news.. news.. flash news… Finally i got my passport and my visa for China… i’ve been waiting for it about 6 months… god damn.. finally…

Soon i will be in my dream country… in my happiest place ever.. I am so damn happy.. so excited…

Besides, i got more problems.. more thoughts… more everything..

Sometimes, i feel bad and i don’t wanna anyone to ask me what’s wrong… but othertimes i just need to say what’s hurting me..

This is a moment when i need to say it out..

Today someone asked me what i wish .. what do i want…

I had no idea what to say, except for the phrase ” i know what i want.. but it never be real”…

yep.. the Optimistic girl has left i guess.. Too much dirt and shit happens this year… Too much for me…

By the way, in october i will make my 19 years on this Planet)) Happy? nOPE!

I don’t wanna grow up, because i feel more responsibility, harder roads…etc…

And if  when i was 8 y.o. i should’ve cry to get a lollipop or a gift… Now i gotta work harder and harder to get anything i want .. That’s hursh… I cannot break the walls alone.. i need some help outta here.. but nobody cares about anyone else… u know that  well.. so.. starting with september, i will try to start a new road… where i am powerful, strong… but not older…

wish me a happy new life.. because, honestly, i am afraid…

oh yeah… on the theme:

my hears knows about only one song by a month already:

Eminem- not afraid

the words affected me the most:

You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay ‘em
But you won’t take the sting out these words before I say ‘em
Cause ain’t no way I’m let you stop me from causing mayhem
When I say ‘em or do something I do it, I don’t give a damn
What you think, I’m doing this for me, so f-ck the world
Feed it beans, it’s gassed up, if a thinks its stopping me
I’mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
   Ok quit playin’ with the scissors and sh*t, and cut the crap
I shouldn’t have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it’s a rap
You said you was king, you lied through your teeth
For that f*ck your feelings, instead of getting crowned you’re getting capped
 ***

Oh yeah, by the way, Thanks to anyone who is still reading what i write… it really means a lot for me…

And I just can’t keep living this way
So starting today, I’m breaking out of this cage
I’m standing up, Imma face my demons
I’m manning up, Imma hold my ground
I’ve had enough, now I’m so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now

It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly I probably did it subliminally for you
So I could come back a brand new me, you helped see me through
And don’t even realise what you did, believe me you
I been through the ringer, but they can do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of
My World, haters can make like bees with no stingers, and drop dead
No more beef flingers, no more drama from now on, I promise

NEW ROADS!

Okay, okay.. i know.. it’s been a long time.. i wasn’t here.. sorry… i was trying to make some stuff… for grow my career.. and i got it.. yaaaah!!

Firstable, i wanna say, i’ve been in Romania… for 3 days.. makin’ pictures there…with my manager and photograph. It was really awesome.. but.. there is too cold.. actually, here is the same.. and.. i got cold.. a hard disease… but today i feel better.. hope i will be okay soon… because this feelling is killing me.. i gotta sleep a lot.. etc.. Damn.
anyway..
I got BIG NEWS!!
Attention!!!
few days ago, my manager told me, an agency from China, Shanghai, is requesting for me there.. Can u even imagine that??

Starting with 1 March, i will take a flight to China.. for 3 months!!!! Yahooooooo

I am sooo happy.. so glad.. GOd! Thank u!
So, pray for me.. as soon i will get better, i wil start sign that contract with them… open visa.. etc etc..

It’s unbelievable!!

One thing: I would love to go to Chengdu… but.. i cannot choose now.. there is only one opportunity.. it’s like.. All or nothing..

P.S.  In a romanian magazine, they wrote about me.. I had an interview there.. so… here it is:

http://adevarul.ro/locale/piatra_neamt/Portret-Catalina_Stascu-moldoveanca_de_pe_podiumurile_lumii_0_199180360.html

Devoted to you

Yes… it’s been a while since we didn’t talk.. but i still feel you in my heart…it’s kinda hard without you, but i still believe you are with me in your mind..Dear, you are a big part of my life… all the time i think about you..maybe i have power to go ahead, because of you… because i know, someone believes in me, someone misses me, and loves me…maybe far away… but so close morally….
I need you… i need your hand in my hand… your sight on me… and your love… It’s been a while also since you didn’t tell me you love me… but i am sure you do… right?

I Love you, bebe…
Our few pictures on the wall…
I miss you so bad… Damn….

<3

Je te promets

Sometimes, we gotta give everything we have, for one thing.. something..
Sometimes, we lose everything and when it seems to be over, something appears and we go ahead…
First of all, i want to say thanks, to those people who were supporting me until now, and who will support me ahead… Kinda hard days this year… starting with the first January… almost only bad news…Dammit.. What the Fuck is going on ??? I am just stressed…
Today I’ve sent some mails… about my job…Hope i will get a job soon, and will evade outta here… outta these things…
I miss my bebe..But things are going in this way that we cannot chat now… hope everything will be okay soon… I just believe…

By the way, Merry Christmas and a Happy new Year!!

Don’t know why, i just like this song:

ZAHO- Je te promets

T’aimerais que je te dise que j’taimerais toute ma vie
T’aimerais que j’te promette toutes mes nuits jusqu’à l’infini
T’aimerais que je te suive à jamais sans faire de bruit
Et que je comprenne tout ceci sans que tu le dises

REFRAIN :
Mais je ne pourrais te dire ce que je n’sais pas
Et je ne pourrais te donner ce que je n’ai pas
Et je ne pourrais te fuir même si tout nous sépare
Tout ce que je te promet c’est un nouveau départ

J’aimerais que le temps s’arrête lorsqu’on se parle
Et qu’apparaisse en plein jour dans le ciel 1 milliard d’étoile
Pour que je fasse un vœux sans que mon soleil se voile
Et qu’on puisse être a nouveaux deux sans ce faire se mal

Truth

Okay… I am officially a pessimist.. Right.

Love me or hate me for this.

Kinda strange to wake up with a weird feeling that you are okay, but actually you are not. At all. Yeah, things are going good, but you feel that you don’t need it all… You need only few things, but important things… And all you got, are many but unimportant .. cool, huh?

Everybody are just getting fun, come on, it’s normal… The New Year is coming…already tomorrow by the way… And i… don’t know…i feel a pressure in the air.. feel like something is going wrong.. and not only with me.. not only here.. Or should go wrong.. Weird, huh?

Damn… i just don’t understand… When i am alone, i feel sad.. and when i am not, when people are around, I’m smiling,  talking.. just like everything is usual..as always.. you know..

I am tired of being  so sad… Tired of thinking about all these things… I just wanna have fun… I wanna forget about everything ( almost).. and just feel cool… but i understand that no matter how long time i will be in this position, anyway a moment will come when the “show” will stop… and everybody will go to their minds… their problems… usual days… So will I..

There is a phrase… that i like the most…

” You are laughing about me, because i am different from you, and i am laughing about you all, because you are not different from each other”

So… Love me or Hate me for who am I.

I will go on, Ahead, across… no matter what, and someday,  somebody will understand… will come to me, just to say ” Thank you, for being yourself. not pretended to be somebody else.”

Happy Holidays !

Seven Seconds..

Okay.. imma fool… damn.. By many years i was listening to a song, and didn’t realized normal what is this song about… I mean, sometimes, we are listening, but we don’t hear… You know what does it mean? that we listen… but we don’t wanna realize what’s that, or what for is that… etc… Dammit…
Okay, just today i took my player.. sitting here near the window.. listening to 7 seconds… And in a moment, i just realized that i am staying like a stone. You have no idea, how much sense was putted in these words.. rhymes… I wish i could write poems like they did… It’s a huge talent, a God’s Blessing for sure.
it reminds me about a 2pac’s song.. : Changes.. also awesome verses, with a huge sense…I love this kinda songs that are making me think about some things i don’t think usually about.
Today… was nice day… but.. in the evening.. they came to me.. and asked.. if i will sing with them, not now, not soon… but long long time… I told them ” no” … not because i don’t want to do it.. I just don’t belong here… I have some dreams.. and that dreams are not being here long time..at least i got many reasons for..
They want to sing in this country. they believe in this occupation, in a success. Maybe i am a pessimist… but i don’t… Okay.. here is my position:
If you are doing it for you, to feel good, it’s not a problem,..you can do that however you want.
But.!
If you wanna do it for anyone, it’s a commercial music, right? so you gotta make a commercial music…you like it or not.

They are doing a simple kind of music, that will not be commercial for sure. So, what’s the reason to make all these problems??
Anyway.. i will write that song for them just because they are my friends, and i wanna help them. Hope they will be okay..

At last, i have other plans for my future… And they’re not about making something in a teenager style.. I gotta think about the future..far away future.. Because my mother is not so strong any more.. and i cannot look at my family : mommy in a country, me in the other country, and my grandmother that is missing my mom a lot…cousins in Italy, USA…Damn.. what the fuck is wrong with this world? i am not alone in this problem…I see many people everyday, they are praying to see their parents, brothers, sisters, sons and daughters… they are praying for a bright future.. near each other..
God Bless!

No paranoia..I just like to look realistic across every rule.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUrJdf4PbEk

Another inch..

Another night when i just cannot sleep.. i have no idea why but i fall asleep only after 3 AM.. damn it’s fucking bad when i am waking up at 2 PM and wondering about that days when i was living by chinese time and was waking up at 6 AM

Okay, today i got good news… a girl told me i could go to china soon… because now many agencies are requesting for foreigners.. i just gotta learn english a lil’ bit better and…

I am kinda happy because of that.. she told me how easy is it… how interesting is working there… At least, i don’t even need some words about China because i am in love with, by some time already so i know what’s that…

It’s really awesome, when i am sitting here sad, and thinking that it’s gonna be a hard way… and a hard time… when i am ready to fight to the death.. ( not literally of course)… and i found a way that’s shorter and easier..when i wasn’t expected at all for that…

Thanks God, for that chances that you are giving me…

I understood… We are getting new chances every day… we just should see them.. but we are so busy being sad and telling how hard it’s to be us…( xD)…that we don’t even see that chances… Damn.. we are so busy to live…

Today evening i found a song i am in love with.. and just now i did remember about it.  Alicia Keys and Jack White – Another way to die

I am just replaying this song all this evening and already a half of the night..

Drinking Cola.. Smoking… By the way, smoke sucks… i gotta left it one day… just don’t know when… it’s not hard to left it… it’s hard to have a hand free and doing nothing to be serious, we are smoking just because we don’t have what to do… for example when i am busy, and busy with something that i like to do, what is interesting for me  i don’t even remember that i wanna smoke.. so… it’s all in my head. i just gotta leave it..

Today, my father;s best friend took me to a restaurant of jazz..that’s because i told him that i don’t understand jazz music.. it sounds kinda trange.. don’t u think so??

so… he told me that after this evening, i will got an other opinion about that..

well.. what can i say? It’s totally amazing!!! maybe my problem was the ambiance… i was trying to listen jazz home, in a car… but when i entered in that place.. i was like… deep end in the ocean… just taking a time and listening jazz, live… Dammit, it was awesome.. anyway i still cannot understand that kind of music, but starting with today, i will not say any more that i hate jazz… And by the way: now i understood what means ” real friendship” ….this man, is a great friend… if after so many years.. from that day when my father has passed away… he is taking care about me.. he is helping me.. supporting me..he is treating me like i am his own daughter..

Allright.. these days.. i was almost only sitting home, watching TV, doing nothing… and i feel like i am dead… damn.. it’s killing me.. i wanna do something… but.. i discovered a new thing that is interesting for me..

It’s a serial.. “Supernaturals”,,, kinda weird… kinda scaring… but very interesting… until now i didn’t watched serials… never..

Oh yeah… These days i gotta go to Mall, i need some winter shoes.. for this snow… i just wasn’t ready for this kind of winter and after i will do it, i want to go to the biggest park in my city, to make some pictures there because it gotta be so awesome and great now.. just imagine… a great park with a lot of snow in..  Daaamn i will be there anyway..

P.S. Babe i miss u… take care about u and don’t spend yourself too much for your job… because i need u to be powerful, healthy and in a good mood..

Muse..

___ I told you i will make snow angels so.. here is one of them

Fallen’ Snow…

Snow

Snow.. I enjoy this moments.. The only one problem: It’s too cold… ah yeah.. and the other one : I cannot drive.. Fuck..

Today i came back from a half of the road, just because it’s a harsh snow on the roads and it’s very dangerous.
I couldn’t arrive to that village.. Damn..
anyway.. i guess this week-end i will get it. All these days i made pictures in the snow.. Cool outside.. Beautiful.. feels like i am in a fairytale..
Gosh. the snow is growing on the ground more and more.. yesterday i was running in the snow.. and… guess what:D the snow was until my hips.. xD
I love this winter.. the problem is just that i have no idea what to do on this new Year.. just don’t want to spend it stupidly.. so… i gotta think about it)

Awh.. the problems are coming to an end now.. finally))

So this post is just writing about how good am i feeling today

The song is one of my favorites..